A commentary

 It's been a while. But I have something I've been thinking about and unable to really come up with the words, so I am back.
Back to pour feelings into a keyboard. Back to see if I can make sense of it. Back to keep going, keep growing. 

Growing up, I was told by everyone that I was beautiful. That I was intelligent, and witty, and competent. That I would be a catch, when I was old enough. That I would have to "be careful" because some people would only want "one thing" from me. 

I have come to find out, this isn't true.

That I've become beautiful in a "put it on a shelf and never touch it" way.
I've become intelligent in a terrifying and intimidating way. 
Become witty in a sarcastic, quick, take-no-shit way.
Competent in an "I don't need anyone" way. 

These things together make me completely undesirable.
I was just trying to become a full person and, somehow, made myself untouchable. 

"What a stupid thing to complain about..." I know. People love and appreciate me. My friends and teammates respect me. Even new acquaintances take a step back.

Sometimes.... I just want to feel sexy. I just want to feel like people desire me. 

I just want to feel wanted. 

Maybe saying something will help someone else feel not-so-alone? Anyways, thank YOU reader! For coming back after all this time. May you feel wanted, loved, appreciated, and respected. 

sensory

And just like THAT---

more like a clap than a snap---

the clouds began to pour.

With a beginning of whoosh

and a burst of thick drops;

I heard it before

it began.

And smelled it,

Overwhelmingly.

My closed eyes,

face upturned,

see it best.

I stopped trying

for a taste long ago,

but will accept

a droplet

on my lips.

It feels like glitter

SHOULD feel.

Comfort

We recently got a new computer for our wee family.

And it strikes me as odd when I realize just how comforted I am by the slight ticky-tackying of my fingernails upon the keyboard as I feel language flow out of me. It is such a foreign feeling, that of communication pouring out, as though silvery liquid.

The artistry I lack in communication verbally, my inability to form the words I desire when I need them, anxiety of word choice and other's perceptions, all fade away.
Like a heavy storm cloud which has dropped its weight and can now ride the currents of the air, knowing that it fits in.

Not always sure how, but knowing, inexplicably, that it does fit in. 

That feeling of being perfectly at home within myself.
Comfort.

little details

The cards spoke to me.

They spoke of growth and change---

of humble learning

                          from humble teachers.

They spoke of pride

                          and swallowing it

for my own sake.

They spoke of watching---

without interjection 

                            or "helping".

What astonishing things can be learned from

                                                                                   simply watching.

Rainstorms, my old friend

There is something magnificent about the earth in the midst of rain--
the ground is dusted with raindrops
the trees are dripping and leaves are dancing in the wind
the puddles are forming

and everything smells fresh and new.

It is a feeling of birth, replenishment, and life.

Travel and Home

I am a person who loves to travel and explore.
A being who alights from seeing new things and learning through experience.

And yet, as an introvert, I would happily stay home forever, comfortable and content.

But growth only happens when stepping out. Whilst leaving one's comfort zone. Outgrowing the boundaries and building new ones.


I'm ready to grow. I'm ready for my next self.

To work toward a better world.

Won't you join me?

A life

She began as a raindrop--
--solitary but surrounded, falling, full of potential.

She turned to a puddle--
--small, reflective, waves created by the smallest motion.

She was a lake--
--growing and changing, encouraging life, standing alone.

She became a river--
--roaring and murmuring, tumbling with grace, cutting through rock.

She is an ocean--
--passionate, explosive, full of hurricanes and smooth surf.

She is a conundrum--everything and nothing, full and empty, life and death.