like a star

Don't let the fear of outshining others cause you to dim your shine.

^
my lesson today.

Onward and upward

It's a daily struggle, being alive.

Everyone knows what I mean, for we all have our own issues and difficulties, trials and tribulations. However, the hardest of all these challenges is staying happy and positive despite and in spite of all poor circumstances. But push upward. Push onward. Push higher.

Be better.

Sounds like a lofty goal, but when you get right down to it, it's the only thing that will matter tomorrow,
or the next day,

or the next day,


or the next day.

To quote a wise, old, green man--"Do or do not. There is no try."

Day in after a day out

Spent hours upon hours yesterday at the river, in the sunshine.

Got a pretty red coat for my efforts, too. Interesting how being sunburnt causes shivers as well as sweats. It's almost like having a fever, but it only affects the uppermost layers of skin...
Skin fever. How accurate.

The sky was all blue with nary a cloud in sight and the sun shone bright on us all, gallivanting in the green current up to our waists. The water was breathtakingly chilly, but once our body parts were numb, it mattered but little. The sun inspiring music and dance, drinking and smoke, dragonfruit and strawberries.

Banged a knee and carried lbs of ice back to the car before relaxing at home with the other half of my heart.

What a beautiful day it was, and I have the soreness as proof.

my work

I work hard.

I work extremely hard for the things in which I believe. 

I refuse to give up. I refuse to accept mediocre. What is the point of creating something new if I'm just going to settle on middle-of-the-road?

Any payback would be nice. Any pay-forward would be nice.

Hell, recognition would be nice.

I won't hold my breath.

I'll keep arting.

trusting and loss

I've always had friends. Before I had human friends, I had my darling puppies. And books. I've always had books.

Recently, I've not the time to indulge in the delicious practice of reading. I also have cats--which are beautiful creatures that I love, to be certain, but I feel more like their maid than their friend. And human friends.....

Well, I don't see any of them anymore. I'm sure it's my fault, cause I don't call people enough and I don't have a lot of free time now or whatnot. But I feel... not abandoned, but like I'm not valuable. Like who I am doesn't matter.

I find myself not wanting friends because I am not afraid of not being supported by friendship. I find myself seeking any way out of the relationship, so that I don't start trusting and depending on a person. People are fallible. If in the end of it all, I'm the only one that I can be sure will help me..... Well, I guess that's it, isn't it? I've got it in my head that I'm the only one I can depend on.

Jeez. I hope the world (and I) can change that opinion instead of cementing it further.

A way with words

I have a way with words.

When I say 'way'
I mean more a relationship
and less like I control them.

Thats why I love
to act
to sing
to speak
and to write.

I enjoy the way the words twist and pull
the pick-ups
and let-downs
of letters and sounds.

Written or audible,
words mean much to me;
the pauses just as critical
as the words they're between.

So I keep spinning my verbal yarns
til my brain is kaput
and my breath is all gone.
With a bit of return,
maybe pride will I don,
and feel truly accomplished,
proving to all (and myself) of my charm.

holding my breath

I find myself holding my breath and hoping HARD today.

Which is odd, because I thought I was separating from this... at least for a little while.

But in speaking to my helping-half, I noticed I don't need to take a break from acting/arting/theatre, but I do need a break from projects that don't speak to my heart.

I'm done doing things for other people. And done working with just anyone for anything.

I have other things in my life--if I don't get into shows, I have plenty to keep my time full.

If I do get into shows.... Well, hit me, because I'm ready to continue growing.

Stop apologizing

happiness is a tenuous goal.

it's a hard thing for which to strive
and it is a hard thing for whom to describe.

do you know what makes you happy?
do you look for it and charge towards it
and not let anything stand in your way?
do you apologize for your journey?

STAND UP.
Time is passing quickly and quicker. And you'll never get a single moment back.
So strive for your life-goals. Make the world a better place.
Choose to be happy and let none stand in your way.

but if you feel down, that's okay too.
and let no one put you down further for that.

homeless' affinity for theatre

I have the great opportunity to play Juliet alongside the Romeo of one of my very good friends. Falling in love with her every night and being able to die (almost) in her arms is tangible and breathtaking. 

Throughout this rehearsal process, we have been entertaining various homeless gentlemen. 

The first of which found himself in our space because he wished to use the facilities. He was engaged in our story and didn't leave when he was done. Proceeding to take out a couple of mini-can beverages from god-knows-where and mutter to himself while rocking to and fro, he sat and enjoyed the extent of our production. 

And he was welcome. Well, until he began to pick at his toenails. But at least he moved to the back of the room to do that.

Second, a gentleman approached me right before I went onstage and questioned me about "donations". I responded, quickly, that I was not the person to ask and this was a private event. That we were rehearsing a play. Then, I hear my cue and had to run onstage. The man was visibly a bit ashamed of distracting me while I was obviously busy and began to leave. When I looked next, he had taken a seat and was watching with rapt attention. He stayed for a long while, and then exited just as quietly as he came in.

Last night was the epitome of homelessness entertainment. At a certain area of the "stage", there is a glass wall that separates us (the actors) from the street, and therefore the outside world. The homeless convene in this little alcove, with it's little bushes and shelter. It just so happens that they are now entertained for the next couple of weeks in their very own home. Mostly, they stay pretty quiet, content to just watch and listen to our story.

At our final dress, last night, as Romeo and I lay dead in the tomb, we begin to hear discontented mumbling between a couple of men. The words are impossible to decipher in the beginning, but the tone grows more and more angry, volatile. Once all the other characters discovered our bodies, almost the very end of the play and certainly one of the most heartfelt, the outside conversation reaches a climax-- below is verbatim what we hear onstage.

"Stop being such an ass!"

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY GODDAMN LIFE!!!"

In asking our director afterwards, these two gentlemen were also watching our proceedings with great attention and interest. 

All of this goes to show me that everyone really does like theatre. Obviously, most homeless people are unable to watch productions, due to the whole it-costs-money thing. I've felt fulfilled, in a certain way, by sharing my love of things with people who rarely see it. And maybe they began to be intrigued because Romeo and Juliet are both women. 

But they stayed because they are people in love. 

A story one-upper

There are these people called story one-uppers
and they like to top your tale.
They want to make sure they are more lauded
or their story contains more fail.

The arrogant tone that follows them 'round
produces bile in my mouth.
If I could, I would curbstomp them and the
situation would quickly go south.


If a person is telling a story, they want you to LISTEN and CONTRIBUTE. Not take away their shine by trying to shine brighter.

If you were a brighter star, you would have thought to tell your story first, or in a less "I'm always better than you" tone.

DON'T BREAK OTHERS DOWN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP.

My wardrobe

I run hot.

Now, I don't mean that I can't chill in the sun for too long, or that I don't like getting things out of the oven--these are both true, but I'm far beyond it.

I run hot enough to wear a tank top, mini skirt, and pumps at eight in the morning. (In sixty degree weather with my windows rolled down in my car...)

I run hot enough to get woozy and faint in a "seventy-two" degree workplace. (The quotes are because it most definitely gets above the stated temperature on the thermostat....)

I run hot enough to sweat through three layers of clothing on a spring day. (Don't even ask about the summer....)

If I could, I would be naked in the ocean, in the snow, in the wind, in the moonlight.

I like being cold. It makes me feel heightened-aware-alive.

I can't stand being hot.

Kurt Vonnegut wanderings

I recently finished a collection of one of my favorite writer's *previously* unpublished works: Sucker's Portfolio. Kurt Vonnegut's mind works in such a brilliantly different way, but he is so exact and fact-finding in his different way of thinking.

It reminds me of the comic stylings of Louis C.K. I mean, this comedian comes on stage to talk about how ugly some children are and how people who are mis-raising their children are simply unable to talk to them. He says it in a funny way, but he's never really joking about the matter in which he speaks.

Vonnegut is the same way. He mentioned in this book that humanity is disgusting and history is just a remembrance of all the terrible things that humans have done to each other and the world connected to us. But he speaks, at the end of this observation, to the point that most of us are OK. With all the terrible happenings and murders and inequalities and mutilations and hatred and wars and bombs that were built to destroy the other horizon as though there were more than two on this planet.

With all of the terrible, most humans have turned out OK.

I guess we aren't so bad after all.

Just gotta keep on keeping on.

Escapes

I like to post my eureka moments on here. Helps me keep track of 'em.

I've found which possessions truly matter to me--those that give me an escape of some sort.

I realized in thinking about my car. Then about my bed. Then about how both of those things are important to me. I was all amped up to write about just those two things, but that led me to ponder on my books, and my music-makers. I couldn't bring myself to write that these didn't matter. But on furthering the thought, they just cement my point.

The things I like-- the things I've always liked all my life-- were escapes from this everything.

It was/is literally an escape from the body in which I am encased.

I've never heard a more solid argument for the existence of souls.

Why do you like what you like? Maybe it's for the same reason and maybe it's not.

Maybe we all go to the same heaven, and maybe our heaven is our own heaven.

Maybe we are all uniquely similar and perfectly distinct.

Engulfed in the happy-ness journey

Irish Breakfast Tea. Sent from the heavens.
Solid, sturdy, honest music. Poultice for my aches.
An orange and some m&m pairing. Choco-citrus is delicious.


Mmmmm, love me some self-therapy.


It's hard to be happy when you're hurt. It's hard to be joyful when you're sad. It's hard to choose to be a good person when it feels like the world tries to shit on you harder for it.
But I'm finding it's worth every second. Because I can choose to be happier. And to make myself happier.
And that makes life worth every second.

I just hope that I'll be able to make every next second count.
Get in this journey with me.
Let's be happy
!

my mind wanders

My mind travels to ends and flies there so fast that I don't know where I'm headed until I'm there.

Today, my mind wanders outside of my head, outside of this building, outside of the state, the country, the world... My mind is distracted by stars and all the possibilites.

There is no wrong. No right. No all, or none. No always, or never.

There is What Happens. And there are Possibilities.

My mind tugs on the end of it's leash, trying in vain to escape the coil by which it's bound. My imagination hears a song, a sound, and I want to use it and make it. I want to be a part of everything. I want to experience everything. I want everyone to be happy.

I want to worry of nothing other than my smile, so I can smile for everyone always.

So everyone can be happy.