Today

I didn't cry.

Today, I didn't feel like screaming.

Today was a good day.

I'm determined to make every tomorrow better.

Dreamer

"...you may say that I'm a dreamer.
But I am not the only one. I hope some day you'll join us...."


This song has always spoken to me on a very different level. All of the lyrics are something to be heard, something to be expressed, something to strive towards. A world full of dreamers, instead of nightmares. A world where people feel free to dream as big as they can-- sure, they might never get it. But there's a lot of things in life that people want and don't get. Is it the want that keeps us going?

In so many stories, hope is the key. Where better to find hope than in dreams?

It's so terribly easy to feel overrun and overpowered by this sometimes-lightless world. It's so simple to allow others' darknesses to overshadow our dreams. It's effortless to starve the dreamer inside-- all you have to avoid is dreaming. Just stop.
Stop wanting, and hoping, and desiring.
Things will never get better.
Things will be sad forever.


OR.
We, as dreamers, can change the world. Change the expectations. As I've mentioned before, the human mind is practically limitless. If we set our mind to hope and happiness, love and peace, aren't we even just one step closer to it? Can we, by hoping and trusting enough, actually change the world? Inspire others to dream?

I, personally, have decided to continue to dream. Regardless of the shit that is dumped on me by myself, my work, my world, I will continue to dream. Even if I know my dream will never come true *cough, cough* iREALLYwannarideaunicorn *cough, hack* I'm determined to continue feeling the magic that exists only in my dreams. I'm determined to work towards a world where everyone feels comfortable enough to let their dreams run and fly, pulling themselves along with it.
I'm determined to dream, and keep dreaming until the day I die.


".....and the world will live as one." -John Lennon

(I'm) a work in progress

I always thought love would find and complete me

and steal that ache of loneliness, engulfing like the sea.

But I've discovered through the partnership I found

that no matter how I love, I can still leave me bound,

struggling against depreciation and a lack of confidence.

I fight against, think I'm winning, then wind up on the fence.

I don't know how to make it better when everything in me cries.

I don't know how to fix my smile when inside I want to die.

I can't control the world or any of the shit inside

I think about the rest of them and feel the need to hide.

I don't know how to stop my mind from causing every bruise-

I don't know how to fix myself which I want to do for you.

And now you're here; I can't imagine anybody else

around me, with me, in me; I can feel you like my pulse

You are unique in how you make me feel so talented and sweet.

No one else has ever successfully swept me off my feet.

And yet at times, I feel alone, regardless how surrounded

by others and you-- your arms, your heart--my fears remain unfounded.

but I can't stop the pressings-in of feelings and of dread,

regardless whether authentic or if it's all just in my head,

I still think lonely and cold fear and always being left.

For a creature who appears so happy, it's odd that I'm bereft.

I still long to become better, for the ease of those alive;

but mostly you. Always you. For you alone, I'll strive.

I don't know how to better it when I'm beginning to start to cry

I don't know how to stop myself and put a smile in each eye

I can't control the world or any of the shit inside

I think about the rest of them and supress the need to hide.

I will continue to stop my mind from causing every bruise

Because I'm determined to fix myself, for I want to be with you.

Life is ultimately terrible and absolutely beautiful-- all at the same time.


Work is shitty. Currency is shitty. Fighting and hatred is shitty. The concept of religion and government grows shittier with every passing day on this planet Earth with these human peoples. Pain and worry and jealousy and greed, all things that are practically ingrained in humanity, are the reason why anyone is unhappy ever.

but.

Love is perfect. The breeze is perfect. Kissing and laughing and teasing is awesome. The sun shines happiness down onto our skins in the form of Vitamin D while the rain refreshes and cleanses the world. Music and friendship and smiling, all things that humanity feels a need to do, are the reason why anyone is happy ever.

Nourishment

I was talking recently with a dear friend and we got on the subject of food tolerances and nausea and all those other fun things. We came upon the topic of our spiritual nature, which is where I always end up talking to this particular friend, and we discussed the spirits desire to be foodless.

Not in as many words, of course.

But souls/spirits/ghouts/auras don't need food. They don't require physical nourishment or care-taking in the form of putting objects inside of our bodies. They need
love
creativity
excitement
camaraderie
learning
rest

Our physical bodies are weak and, as such, demand strength-building nutrients. My self rejects wheat for the fact that it isn't really natural anymore. There are chemicals and additives and preservatives.... YUCK.The problem doesn't come in me *eating* the food, however-- but in my insides incapabilities to utilize said food. As days/weeks/months/years pass, I get nauseous over safe things. I just ate half a banana and had to take a possible-vomit-break.

I'm beginning to realize that my human requirements and weaknesses make my spirit disgusted. Come on, physical being-- can't you just transcend already?!

Protection

I was always protected. When I fell, I would be lifted onto my feet again. When I cried, I would be given support and love. When I was upset, things changed until I was no longer upset.

This sounds like I'm describing a spoiled child, but it was much more that no one has ever wanted me to cry.

Which may or may not be "spoiled".

But this makes me feel as though I should be taken care of for the rest of my life. Like I am owed a certain amount of care and protection and love from those surrounding me.

How arrogant of me to demand protection. While I am perfectly capable of protecting myself, I still lean upon others for their protection of me. I'm realizing it's a study of how valuable I am to that individual and, therefore, the world. If someone steps in and protects me from sadness and fear, they value me as a happy spirit. A contribution to society and their own lives.

If left alone, I am nothing.


Self-worth is a stupid, pointless argument when I'm my own biggest obstacle.

stop it

People talk too much. They repeat things that were unnecessary the first time. They continue muttering to themselves after they have passed on the message to the others surrounding them. They force people to listen to their pointless rantings simply through the fact that they are pointlessly ranting. For our own protection, we, as humans--as animals--are made to listen and register everything around us.

I just wish more of us could live in silence.

I wonder if so many humans realize the ultimate peace that is found in the quiet. In the allowing space to take it's own and not forcing verbal mechanics into the not-always-large-enough area.

Granted, I am not referring to auditory volume or grandioseness. Contrariwise, I mean the sheer amount of words spoken, muttered, grumbled, made to do work that is left for nothing--was nothing to begin with. Shoved at unlistening ears, left to be gathered and gleaned by those to whom they mean more.

If only I could gather all the crumbled, mis-used words, and protect them in my books.

Maybe my collection here helps in this task.

Getting carried away with a metaphor

I think I talk to much. My mouth doesn't even run away with me-- it runs away from me.

Pulls itself off of my face and takes off, bolting as quickly as possible, leaving me to chase after it.

"HEY WAIT UP!! COME BACK HERE!!!" But rational-thinking Alexis-body can't say that without her mouth which has up and took off, spewing words and sounds and giggles every which way.

Instead, I'm left to chase after my mouth until it tires itself out or backs itself up into a corner where I finally catch it and shove it back on my face.

In just enough time to securely insert my own foot.

Ah, the cleverness of me.

To stop existing

If I were to stop existing
would I just disappear
leaving my impressions
and thoughts
and relationships alone?

Or would everything I've ever touched
ever changed
ever shaped also be nothing?

Would it just be different because a different
me
has come along to change what I had changed
before I wished I didn't exist?

Would anyone miss me?
Would anyone remember me?
Or would everything I'd ever been disappear right along with me?

A lasting character

Surrounded by her posse, cameras firmly in hand and laughter bubbling out of mouths, the faces weren't important. The feeling of a group of good friends. That's what was important. The idea of comfort, but in sight-seeing.

In being somewhere else with a vague remembrance of Venice, and then she locks eyes with a man. A local to this mind-space.He can't tear his eyes away either. As he approaches the tourist, her friends fade away, leaving her alone in this alien dreamscape.

"Do I know you?" He asks of her. One half of a black mustache hangs out below his left nostril, braided and poking awkwards to gravity.

"No. I don't know you either" she responds with no hesitation, now slightly flustered.

"Then why do I feel like--"



Awakened by a need to pee. She wonders if it was dream-walking.

So in the past few days I've been caring less and less of other's opinions of me.

Specifically fashion-wise.

Yesterday, I slept in super-dee-duper late and refused to emerge from my footie pajamas for the duration of the day. This was brought into question only once: when I was chosen to fetch our to-go order.

What to do? The kitty faces on my tootsies weren't going to fit in any of my normal shoes, and the one pair of boots that might have fit were prevented from allowing my foot passage due to the grippy-things on the soles of the feet.

Any way, long story abbreviated, I decided upon bedroom shoes over my footie pajamas in the rain.

I still stand by this decision.

Today, I am wearing my kooky grammas poncho from the '70s-- orange with white striped edges. I dig it and it's every ounce of comfort I could hope for in an overcoat (much like my greatest Christmas present this year, a leopard print 1930 lady's cape, but I'm sure I'll gush about that garment in a later blog).

Anyways, I've come to the realization that when people judge me and laugh at me, it changes neither them nor me. It simply solidifies that I am a slightly unusual person and that they feel better by picking on me.

Eh, I'd rather be me.

One for the new year

I am submitting to expectations and writing here about the new year.

Most especially my resolutions and thoughts therein:

-Firstly, I resolve to be happy. To find contentment in my darker times and fulfill my necessary requirements for happiness. Time passes by so quickly and, of course it is easier to say than to do, but I want to know that I was mostly happy in my life. And that can only be changed while I'm living my life so day after day I want to be

content.

-Secondly, I resolve to create. Although I am a creative person with far too many ideas, my problem is in completion of full tasks. I begin to have grand ideas for all the things I should do and I never follow through with the whole thing. I allow bits and pieces to fall by the wayside as I begin to grow bored of them. But I'll tell myself again and again until the day that I die: beauty is in the

details.

-Thirdly, I resolve to judge less. To care less, in a sense, but mostly just to be less judgmental of others. If people are in a bad mood, I need to allow them to without effecting how I am. People only effect me as much as I allow and I allow far too much now. And through the lack of judging others, hopefully I can learn to give myself a bit of leeway as well. I believe I grow in this, but I need to

persevere.

-Lastly, I resolve to follow my heart. It's easy in the world of physical limitations to forget of what amazingness our hearts, souls, auras, et cetera forever, are made. Star stuff. We are made of the earth AND the sky. Of the sun AND  the moon. I resolve to obey my instincts, to trust myself, to listen to the voice of my inner child and sing out the message of mySelf. I promote the love, generosity, care, and fun of all. I desire to

encourage.


Wishing you all a new year full of growth and love.