I've always had friends. Before I had human friends, I had my darling puppies. And books. I've always had books.
Recently, I've not the time to indulge in the delicious practice of reading. I also have cats--which are beautiful creatures that I love, to be certain, but I feel more like their maid than their friend. And human friends.....
Well, I don't see any of them anymore. I'm sure it's my fault, cause I don't call people enough and I don't have a lot of free time now or whatnot. But I feel... not abandoned, but like I'm not valuable. Like who I am doesn't matter.
I find myself not wanting friends because I am not afraid of not being supported by friendship. I find myself seeking any way out of the relationship, so that I don't start trusting and depending on a person. People are fallible. If in the end of it all, I'm the only one that I can be sure will help me..... Well, I guess that's it, isn't it? I've got it in my head that I'm the only one I can depend on.
Jeez. I hope the world (and I) can change that opinion instead of cementing it further.
I kind of understand how you feel. I didn't have friends as a child, and now everyone I am friends with lives so far away. (And, it's definitely not all your fault, though I will blame your magnetic field because it won't let me call you, lol. Seriously, though, we all have problems that keep us from getting together at times, it's no one person's fault.) Friends are kind of a cyclical thing. You may have a couple that you will have all of your life even if you aren't around them for a season. Sometimes the friends you have now will drift away and I think this happens for a couple of reasons. For me, I believe it was to draw me closer to God. I believe He let me lose people and let relationships lax to draw my attention back to Him. Now He is putting relationships back into my life, but my focus is on my relationship with Him foremost. Maybe, this is a season of some kind of growth for you, too? Anyways, I hope this helps. I hate hearing you sad. :(
ReplyDeleteI truly believe it is a time for growth for me as well, but I sadly can't figure out what it is!! And I know I have friends, just feeling terribly lonely lately. Like I don't really belong inside my own mind or something... Doesn't really make sense and makes me feel like an insane person.
DeleteBut thanks, lady. It's wonderful to know that you are thinking about me. Soon, we will get together and hang out!!!